Snakes On A Train
by Roxius
Summary: Tetsuo,Kaori,Kaneda and lesbian!Kei go on a train to the carnival, and Akira follows them. Trouble ensues when snakes are summoned! Also, the Doctor was Colonel Shikishima's gay lover. Please R & R! Yaoi and yuri implications.


A/N: I finally got my Akira manga! And I could barely tell Kaneda and Kei apart because they looked so similar, and Kei always kind of hates to even be touched a little by guys and she shows no respect to Kaneda or any other male it seems, so she'll be my lesbian character for this series. Plus, she looks ALOT like a boy.

By the way, the whole thing with the snakes ended up happening because I got the idea after making a typo.

* * *

"What the hell are we doing, going to a carnival?" Tetsuo asked for the tenth time as he, Kaori, Kaneda, Kei and little Akira boarded onto a subway train.

"I already told you, man, I wanted to win one of those stuffed dog things!" Kaneda exclaimed, "They're just so cute and fluffy and- Why the hell is there a midget clinging to your sleeve?"

Tetsuo looked down and saw Akira staring back up at him. As Kaneda had said, the boy was hanging onto him as if for dear life. Tetsuo shrugged and replied, "Truthfully, I have no idea. He keeps following me and Kaori around, and it's really annoying. Yet...no matter how I try, I can't seem to blow him up!"

Kaori put a comforting hand on Tetsuo's shoulder and said, "Don't worry, Tetsuo; just think of him as your child...our child..."

Kaneda cursed under his breath and turned his back to the two lovebirds. 'Dammit! Why the hell does Tetsuo have to be so lucky?' he thought to himself, 'All I get stuck with is the cock-hating lesbian!'

Suddenly, speak of the devil, Kei sauntered over to Kaori and, leaning in close to her, cooed, "Ooh, Kaori...you're so sweet and caring to everyone...would you marry me?"

Kaori screeched and hid behind Tetsuo, who snapped, "DAMMIT, KEI, SHE'S MY WOMAN!" He turns his head to Kaneda, who was trying to control his laughter at the situation, "AND KANEDA, KEEP THIS BITCH ON A LEASH! SHE ALMOST MOLESTED MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"How dare you call me such things, you pitiful worm! You're not good enough for Kaori! You're more of Kaneda's type!" Kei exclaimed.

"Eew, that's gross!" Kaneda said; he immediately stopped laughing when he became involved in the argument, "Me and Tetsuo, we're barely even friends, so don't go and say we should match up like that! Neither of us are like that Skinhead guy! Damn, you should have seen him cry when his lover, that old Doctor, froze to death! It was just sad!"

Kaori pictured Tetsuo and Kaneda kissing while in a passionate embrace, and a perverted grin formed on her lips.

"...Is it snake-time now?" Akira asked out of nowhere.

"Don't you mean, snack-time?" Tetsuo replied.

Akira shook his head, and his eyes started to glow; suddenly, thousands of snakes started to fall out of the ceiling. They were all just harmless garden snakes, but people still freaked out anyways, which was an obvious reaction to something like this.

Luckily, Kaneda was paranoid enough to always carry a shotgun with him, so he blasted a few snakes out of the way. Tetsuo tried to convince Akira to make it stop, but the kid seemed to have suddenly gone deaf on him. Also, Kei was busy 'protecting' Kaori by whispering sweet nothings into her ear and cradling the girl in her arms. It was all very disturbing.

Eventually, Kaneda was sick of it all.

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking train!"

Instead of doing what Samuel L. Jackson did, Kaneda just shot Akira in the head, opened the subway train doors, tossed out the corpse, and then quickly slammed them closed.

"Damn, Kaneda...that was hardcore." Tetsuo remarked.

Kaneda gave his friend a thumbs-up and exclaimed, "I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT A LONG TIME AGO!"

Meanwhile, Kei was raping poor Kaori, whose screams for help were muffled by the other girl's lips. The snakes had stopped falling, and now the surviving ones were rounded up and executed by a rather malicious Kaneda.

However, due to all of these events, both Tetsuo and Kaneda had forgotten why they were even on the subway train in the first place. Shrugging, they opened the train doors again and hopped out together, hoping there would be a pole or something to grab onto before they died.

There wasn't.

By the time the train had reached its destination, Kaori had finally come to terms with her sexuality thanks to Kei.

* * *

Poor Colonel Shikishima was once again crying himself to sleep in the dingy apartment room. Clutched tightly to his chest was a photo of his deceased lover, Doctor Onishi.

'Oh, my dear Doctor...why did you have to die...?'

He was too upset to think straight about the situation, so he just closed his eyes and fell asleep on the floor with beer bottles and empty ketchup pockets scattered around him.

Suddenly, the front door opened and Ryu walked in, carrying a large bag of groceries. He noticed the Colonel sleeping on the floor and he cursed under his breath.

'Dammit!' Ryu thought, 'That guy got into my room again. Now I need to call security...'

For some reason, the Colonel had a key into Ryu's room, and he was generally now known as the 'Neo-Tokyo Hobo'. A rather catchy title, actually.

Since it turned out that security was busy dealing with a guy named Dr. Breen in someone else's room, Ryu put the groceries away and then carried the sleeping Colonel downstairs. He rolled the poor drunk out into the middle of the street, and then he went back to his room to watch 'Mythbusters-Japanese Edition'.


End file.
